No method is safe. Wether you’re a diehard coffee aficionado or you just need your daily serving of dark matter in order to jumpstart your day, you are, without question, being judged by someone somewhere, who doesn’t agree with your coffee lifestyle choices. Let’s explore those judgements shall we?
A word of caution: Please don’t take this too seriously, let’s just enjoy this light hearted single-origin ROAST together huh? Get it!!? ROAST.. because coffee roasting is a thing…!?? Oh you got it the first time. OK LETS GO!
1. The Working Stiff: Mr Coffee
Your coffee mantra is simple, “No frills, just black stuff.” You’re pretty much the Ron Swanson of coffee. MAYBE once and awhile you’ll treat yourself to a bag of Gevalia holiday gingerbread flavored beans. But as soon as December comes to an end, so do your indulgences.
Also, did you maybe steal this from a Best Western hotel room? I mean it’s cool if you did… Just saying…
2. The Jetsetter: French Press
You’re the type of person who starts conversations with, “You know in Europe…”.
Did you bring your french press to work because the break room coffee machine was unsuitable? YES. Do you leave your French Press on your desk while not in use for all your co-workers to see, just WAITING for someone to ask you about it?… YUP!
Did you also maybe spend one semester in Paris which TOTALY CHANGED YOUR LIFE…. ABSO-FREAKING-LOUTELTY you did.
3. The Yuppy: Home Espresso Machines
You enjoy the finer things in life. Also, your credit card company LOVES you. You even wept when you heard that SkyMall magazines were being discontinued. You use this counter-hogging monstrosity about once a month, but mostly when you have company, where you say things like…
“Yeah, its cost a couple grand but can you really put a price on an ESSENTIAL LIFESTYLE INVESTMENT??”
4. The Metropolitan: Nespresso
You spend most of your time explaining to you your friends, family, and anyone who will listen, why the Nespresso is WAY better than those dumb Keurig machines. “OK so its instant-ISH coffee, but THAT CREMA THO!” You’re pretty sure Nespresso is a European company, and their instant stuff is like way better than our top of the line stuff here in America.
Also, if it wasn’t awesome, they wouldn’t sell it at William Sonoma. #DUH
5. The Nancy Keurigan: Keurig
You ditched William Sonoma for Bed Bath, and armed with your 20% off coupon, not only did you buy the HECK out of your Keurig, you probably grabbed some sample K cups for the road. Take comfort in the fact that you are DEFINITELY not a coffee snob. Let’s hope it’s enough comfort to subsidize the fact that all of your coffee snob friends are talking about you behind your back…
6. The Hipster: Chemex
In the coffee world, You’re THAT GUY. Why? Because you know the name of the farmer in Ecuador who grows your coffee beans. You can go on an on about how goose neck kettles are superior, and you could debate about stuff like “second bloom theory” all day. Still don’t believe me?…
Your brewing method involves leather tassels.
7. The Adventurer: AeroPress
Just because you woke up at 5:30 on a Sunday to scale a mountain with your two black labs, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a great cup of fair trade coffee while you watch the sun rise in your Patagonia fleece.
8. The Old World Brewer: Moka Pot
You’re probably my Italian Grandma. (Hi Grandma!) You believe a good cup of coffee should put hair on your chest, and that strong coffee, not unlike walking miles in the snow to change the channel on your TV, builds character.
9. The Techie: Wifi Enabled Mr Coffee
If your coffee brewing system has a review on Engadget, or if it has wifi, bluetooth or html5 capabilities, please just know everyone in your life hates you. No one is impressed that you can brew a cup of coffee from your bed. Literally NO ONE. Also, if you ever run into The Working Stiff, you’ll probably leave with a black eye.
10.The Artisan: Syphon, Vacuum or Japanese Slow Drip
If you’ve even HEARD about any of the above mentioned methods, you’re far too gone for rehabilitation into normal society. You brew your coffee with triple filtered, imported Oregon rain water, and you’re cat’s name is Frappucino (for ironic reasons). Also, you can’t be friends with anyone who doesn’t understand how ironic/hilarious that name is.
If you made it to the end of this post, THANK YOU!
Please know that regardless of how you choose to brew your coffee, your friendly internet food nerd Dayleeo will always love you. Make fun of you, YES, but I will ALWAYS… TAKE IT AWAY WHIT!